Technology0

I read this funny little entry from the blog of Belle De Jour (Yes, the one that spawned the ITV2 series and novels), it’s about technology, have a look. Anyway inspired by that, here’s mine:

5 things i HATE about technology:

• Youtubers. Now i don’t mean Youtube itself because being able to upload your movies and have them seen by the world is a brilliant thing. No. I mean the stupid bastards that comment on Youtube. Allow me to demonstrate: “OMG U FUCKN SUCK DUDE!!!!111!!!!!” and “GTF OFF UTUBE TWAT!” etc, etc. Will somebody please go and happy slap those little fucktards (and upload said slap to Youtube where we can all go and comment “OMG GET OFF YOUTUBE FKN LOOZER!!!”…)
• Microshite Micro$oft. Specifically Windows Vista. Oh God. Where do i even begin? This is more shit than can ever be expressed in a bullet point but i did touch on the subject in this post. But if you’re a MS user then surely you don’t need me to tell you what an unstable, unreliable, crashing, computer-taking-overer piece of shit it is?
• People who don’t use the latest Web Browser. It doesn’t even have to be the magnificent Firefox or Opera. Even the latest IE is fine. But what really irks me when i’m trying to design a website is having to make it compatible for people still using antiquated web browsers! I no longer pander to them. My motto is, if the site doesn’t work in your browser, CHANGE YOUR FUCKING BROWSER! Seriously how can the web evolve and move on when people don’t?
• Status Updates. Or rather people who update their status updates with nothing but drivel. Sure we all make the odd update like that but i’ve seen some who do nothing but! For example: “I woke up LOL” … “I’m drinking tea LOL” … “Just had a shite LOL” … “Going to bed LOL”. Jesus fucking wept.
• Pointlessness. Or technology for technology’s sake. In other words inventing and selling useless shit and ridiculous applications. Such as USB-Powered Gyrating Hips [Your Very Own Desk-Sized Shaking Ass] or iBeer [make your iPod touch look like a glass of beer] – Why!? See www.rubegoldberg.com for examples of over-engineering.

5 things i LOVE about technology:

• Blackberry Bold! Behold the most magnificent piece of technology on earth (imo). Seriously having had one now for 7 or 8 months i don’t know how i ever lived without it. I can email (push email no less), surf the web, update facebook, flickr, twitter, myspace, my blog, take and post photo’s & videos, use it as a sat nav, play music and movies on it, it has a proper qwerty keyboard, tons of applications, brilliant calender, weather station, my fave news and blog updates sent to my phone, google maps, instant messaging …. and that’s just for starters! Oh and it makes phonecalls too – and about that, they sound clearer than any phone i’ve ever had before.
• iPod & iTunes. I know a lot of people are anti-iTunes but it’s so simple to use and isn’t that what technology is about – making things better/faster/easier? For me iTunes ticks all of those boxes. And as for the iPod, i’ll be the first to admit it’s not the best sounding mp3 player but it’s good enough and coupled with iTunes it’s pretty fooking brilliant! I’ve had a classic, nano and touch. Classic probably my favourite from nothing but a music point of view because i use my berry for everything else that the touch can do. It’s so handy being able to carry around a huge music collection with you because you don’t always know what you’ll feel like listening to, remember the old walkman cassette players? Imagine trying to carry around a several thousand song collection with one of those! I’m a big music fan and so digital music is one of the things i’m most thankful for.
• Laptop/Internet. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing how much of my life is devoted to computers and the internet but i love it. I love how the world has become smaller, i love how you can find out pretty much anything any time you like. I love how i can chat to a pal in Australia in one window, do a weekly shop in the next, pay the bills in another, sell something on eBay in yet another …. all of this in the space of half an hour. Freeing me up to … well, spend more time on my laptop :-p Which of course i can snap shut and carry with me anywhere i like. How much cooler is life with the web? Course it has its downsides, doesn’t everything but i think the good points are far more.
• Status Updates. Hmm, didn’t i just put that in my list of hates? Well yes but social networking has its pluses. Sure you find annoying people who friend collect (want to add you to their list yet never speak to you so you have to endure their inane drivel in your updates) but the thing is folks – just delete those fuckers! On twitter i just follow people that interest me, in facebook i only keep up with people i know in real life, find interesting, old school pals or chat with a lot. Everyone else is gone. And it’s great because i get updates sent to my phone so it’s nice being able to keep up with what people are doing without having to trawl through each of their individual sites. I just get a brief overview every day so i’m always on top of who has exciting news, who is getting married, giving birth, emigrating, getting a sex change … Best thing for me was catching up with old school pals, just knowing they’re there and that they’re ticking alone fine. And of course you can switch it off whenever you want peace and quiet. Marvellous.
• Sex. Ok there i said it. Porno. Totty. Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking it too.